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Funny and Cheeky Status Updates for Your Social Media Timelines

StricktlyDating is an Australian writer who creates pages of original funny quotes and status updates.

If you want your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram feed to be funny and a little bit cheeky, try these authentic status updates.

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Cheeky Status Updates

  • The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
  • If you're cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?
  • Just asked my Grandma to explain how the hashtag on her landline works!
  • Sure you look attractive, but how many people would you impress if everyone in the world was blind?
  • I’m more attractive than you in the mornings, because when I wake up my eyebrows are already on my face.
  • You worry about all your single socks, I can’t even find a single human to pair up with.
  • Will someone please love Taylor Swift forever so she'll just be quiet.
  • Mom: "Are you talking back to me?" Me: "Why yes, that's how communication usually works".
  • I get so disappointed when I go to unfriend someone and they've already beat me to it.
  • Sometimes I unfriend people in real life and hope they don’t notice too.
  • Trust me, when I woke up today I didn't plan on being this irrisistible.
  • I like being single, I'm always there when I need me.
  • If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me and we‘ll make fun of people together.
  • I'll show you my Australian if you show me your Brazilian.
  • I was going to give you a filthy look, but then I noticed you already have one.
  • I am so hungover I seriously considered rolling down the stairs instead of walking.
  • I checked my calendar and I won't give a toss about you tomorrow either.
  • I don't want a job. I just want money.
  • I've been known to flash people (with my camera).
  • Are you reading this from the toilet?
  • Are you meant to dress up and do your hair before you make a Zoom call?
  • He keeps toenail clippings on his bedside table, to chew on when his finger nails are too short.
  • The normal rules don't apply to me (because I am blonde).
  • Sometimes I wonder how some people don't choke on all the crap that comes out of their mouth!
  • All my friends are getting married and having babies. I'm just getting more awesome at being single.
  • I'll always be here for you. But only on Facebook. So don't go calling me up with all your issues.
  • Just because you know my name doesn't mean I want you to request me as your Facebook friend.
  • Saying you're going to cull the people you decided to add on Facebook is just a nice way of saying, if I knew you were so annoying I would not have added you as a friend in the first place. My mistake.
  • Immature - a word boring people use to describe fun people.
  • When I'm lonely I set the alarm on my phone to go off every 15 minutes so I can pretend people are messaging me.
  • Just so you know the whole office just saw your Facebook post and booed.
  • I just cooked a can of baked beans in the jug in my hotel room and used the iron to make toast. Bow to your new hero!
  • That moment when you're sitting in a room wondering who would die if the fan fell down.
  • I prefer to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically.
  • I never thought I would have called my ex. You win again Vodka.
  • Getting married at 18 seems similar to leaving a party at 8:30pm.
  • "You look nice today!" sounds like you're saying I was ugly yesterday.
  • I don't need a wife. I just need wifi.
  • Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
  • I'd rather eat my chocolate cake than worry about if I have a thigh gap.
  • Everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason is because you are stupid.
  • I have PMS and GPS, which means I'm nasty AND I will find you.
  • Time flies when you're throwing watches.
  • I was into social distancing before it even become admirable.
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Funny Status Updates

  • I hate to rub it in, but unfortunately sunscreen doesn't work otherwise.
  • Since you have 500 friends on Facebook, I'm really surprised you need to take a selfie for your profile photo.
  • The older I get the more I find people annoying.
  • Put my tent up in my lounge room, put the heater on and moved in. So I can feel like I'm on summer holidays this winter.
  • You know you're lazy when you get overly excited about cancelled plans.
  • My home is a place I can look ugly and enjoy it. Don't Zoom without texting me first.
  • I'm not much of a morning person. I don't like mornings and I don't like people.
  • I'm so not a morning person. I could not even be friends with a person called Dawn.
  • My glass is half full but it has at least ten different things in it.
  • Luckily I held in my gas, It came in handy when I wanted the sales man to go away.
  • I taste so good you'll be begging for me the recipe!
  • You look like something I'd draw with my left hand.
  • I am basically going broke trying to look rich.
  • You know the instinct you have not to open your mouth when you want to say something nasty. Unfortunately, I don't have that.
  • I'd rather twirk than work.
  • Many a good friendship is built on a solid foundation of alcohol and inappropriateness.
  • May your life someday be more interesting than you make it out to be on Instagram.
  • If you can't stand me, why don't you sit.
  • There's a time and a place for decafinated coffee. Never, and in the bin.
  • I can't remember a time where I cared less.
  • Tired? There's a nap for that.
  • Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there is no cure for stupid.
  • If one size really did fit all what would my size be?
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Reader Poll

© 2012 StrictlyQuotes

Comments

peachy from Home Sweet Home on February 08, 2015:

some of these status are useful and funny as a side line, voted useful

Carrie Lee Night from Northeast United States on September 02, 2014:

I LOVED this ! This is happiness in a box ! Voted very funny :). Thank you for putting some pep in my step. Keep them wanting more :). Thank you for sharing.

FlourishAnyway from USA on August 27, 2014:

You have some funny ones. My favorite is, "May your life someday be more interesting than you make it out to be on Facebook."

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on August 03, 2012:

An interesting Hub, thanks for sharing

Shelley Watson on July 28, 2012:

Pretty funny most of them and a couple of ouchs! Up and funny.