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195 Hilarious and Inspirational Facebook Status Updates

Updated on November 14, 2014
Here are some hilarious and inspirational Facebook updates that are sure to draw "likes" from your friends.
Here are some hilarious and inspirational Facebook updates that are sure to draw "likes" from your friends.

Looking for Status Updates That Will Make You Think?

Looking for some status update inspiration? I won't bore you with stories about where these came from; I'll just give you a list of funny and sarcastic statuses. I have tried to include the authors for the lines I did not develop on my own. And hey, if you know the source of an unattributed quote, feel free to leave that info as a comment at the bottom.

Over 150 Funny and Sarcastic Facebook Status Updates and Quotes

One status suggestion: "Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake."
One status suggestion: "Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake."
  1. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
  2. Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you're saying what you really think of them.
  3. I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didn't work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.
  4. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
  5. You can't be late until you show up.
  6. War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.
  7. If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
  8. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
  9. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
  10. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay. So if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
  11. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  12. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
  13. Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
  14. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban
  15. The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa
  16. Don't let your mind wander—it's too little to be let out alone.
  17. Life's a bitch; if it were easy it'd be a slut.
  18. I'd call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.
  19. Death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, "You can't fire me, I quit!"
  20. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A perfect update for Pirate Day (or any other day): "To err is human. To arr is pirate."
A perfect update for Pirate Day (or any other day): "To err is human. To arr is pirate."

21. To err is human. To arr is pirate.

22. I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.

24. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

25. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

26. Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

27. I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble to start, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.

28. I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

29. I once stood in the back and said, "Everyone attack!" but it didn't turn into a Ballroom Blitz.

30. Learn from Pandora's mistake—think outside the box.

31. Don't look now, but I'm hiding under your bed.

32. Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.

33. Freedom means the right to yell, "THEATRE!" in a crowded fire.

34. I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table.

35. If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

36. I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, "Parking Fine."

37. Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where's Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.

38. Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.

39. Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.

40. Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.

A clever Facebook update for all people (or cats) with lazy days: "I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes..."
A clever Facebook update for all people (or cats) with lazy days: "I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes..."

41. I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until that feeling passes...

42. I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.

43. Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply, "What do you need?"

44. I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort.

45. TEIAM—problem solved.

46. I just read a list titled "100 Things to Do Before You Die." I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

47. I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where's Waldo. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.

48. It recently became apparent to me that the letters "T" and "G" are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

49. I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It's probably meant to be "stop timer," but I don't touch it, just in case.

50. When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?

51. People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

52. The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.

53. If your relationship status says, "It's complicated," maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single."

54. I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.

55. How long do you think it would take to solve a Rubik's cube if you were color blind?

56. I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

57. I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.

58. "Dammit I'm mad" is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it.

59. Who decided that paper beats rock? Let's test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?

60. Grammar is important. Commas save lives, as in this example: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Let's eat, grandpa."

Passed out at your computer or surfing the web for hilarious Facebook status updates? Well, you serenity now may equate to insanity later.
Passed out at your computer or surfing the web for hilarious Facebook status updates? Well, you serenity now may equate to insanity later.

61. Serenity now = insanity later.

62. The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. ~ Julius Caesar

63. My cell phone is so outdated that it has a rotary dial.

64. There are more than two kinds of people in this world. Don't believe the bumper stickers.

65. Don't make me have to wound your inner child.

66. I hate when mimes get in your face and don't say anything. ~ Butthead

67. The angle of the dangle is adversely proportional to the heat of the beat.

68. I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it—he was a dwarf! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

69. I saw a provocative movie the other day called The Net, starring that girl from the bus. ~ Mr. Costanza, The Seinfeld Show

70. Fell off the jetway again. ~ Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber

71. If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Ireland. And Japan. And Peru. And I'd want to see the Grand Canyon. And the other two oceans. It would be a pretty busy week.

72. If Sergeant Extreme and Major Awesome had visited my high school, I probably would have joined the US Army too.

73. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it "guaranteed," I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. ~ Tommy, Tommy Boy

74. These things happen, ya know. You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninjas and nazis and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You've seen the news. ~ Peter Griffin, Family Guy

75. Dr. Shakalu brought some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer. ~ Grandma's Boy

76. Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the "compliment sandwich," where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good. ~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

77. Dear Facebook: Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.

78. I stopped to smell the roses once. A bee flew out of the flower and up my nose, stung me in the nasal vestibule, and caused a severe allergic reaction and six days of swollen septum. Now whenever I see roses, I keep walking.

79. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy, but then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

80. I once reported my roommate to INS. Turns out she's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

Don't try to force a laugh. If you find it hard, I would be happy to do it for you.
Don't try to force a laugh. If you find it hard, I would be happy to do it for you.

81. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

82. When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing "Chocolate Rain" about a thousand times. ~ Michael Scott, The Office

83. If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing? ~ Michael Scott, The Office

84. I've never had champagne that tastes like cherry cola, but I know someone who wants to live like the ape man.

85. Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me—no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make. ~ Michael Scott, The Office

86. Security in this office is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? ~ Dwight Schrute, The Office

87. I didn't say, "Abe Lincoln," I said, "Hey, Blinken!" ~ Ahchoo, Robin Hood: Men In Tights

88. I'm gonna grab one of those bulls over there and ride into town like a conquistador to challenge Hatcher to a duel, show him who the real tooth fairy is.

89. I just want everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedly. I want to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, the creator of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly. Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan. (Of course, this status is much more effective if you are a Facebook fan of "Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly.")

90. I was God once. It was going really well until everyone died.

91. Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool. ~ Bender, Futurama

92. Leela cracked corn, and I don't care. Fry cracked corn, I still don't care. Bender cracked corn, and he is great! Take that, you stupid corn! ~ Bender, Futurama

93. Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

94. It's been 243 days since my last attempt to take over the world. I've been distracted by my current mission: to leave everyone uninformed and clueless.

95. I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool.

96. I don't want a large Farva! I want a goddamn liter-o'-cola!! ~ Officer Farva, Super Troopers

97. The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. Could you imagine if I went into work, did half of the job, then said, "Come back next week for the continuation!"

98. How did you fit a lion in your pocket? No wonder it's ready to roar.

99. First the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came, and they all bought Benzes.

100. Who is Pete and why is it for his sake?

I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy and because I wanted post about it on social media.
I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy and because I wanted post about it on social media.

101. I danced with a squirrel in my car because I'm sexy, and I do what I want.

102. If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer. ~ Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

103. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs! ~ Dr. Oz, The Whole Nine Yards

104. If my employer were more democratic than communist, they might allow us to vote on making Wednesday part of the "mid-week weekend" incentive program that I just made up. I vote "aye," save me, Jebus! ~ Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

105. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? But sometimes when you get it back, it's horribly deformed and covered in an unusually smelly gelatinized mass that you can't identify.

106. I'd pay a dollar and a half to see a tree museum.

107. The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese. ~ Senator Ortolan Finistirre, Thank You For Smoking

108. My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

109. Whenever I'm on fire, I remember to stop, drop, and roll, not run around screaming my head off. ~ Dead Man on Campus

110. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. ~ Hansel, Zoolander

111. Easy, guys, I put my pants on just like the rest of you—one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. ~ Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson, SNL

112. I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell ~ Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson, SNL

113. Do sealions eat seazebras? ~ Pinky, Pinky and the Brain

114. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.

115. The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil, or adventurous is about to happen.

116. If the game doesn't freeze every six minutes, then you're not watching Fox.

117. I had part of a slinky once. I straightened it.

118. If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar. ~ Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

119. I am not crazy! At least, no more than any normal person should be.

120. Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on it. ~ al masum from the comments section

Really? Fruitcake?
Really? Fruitcake?

121. Who likes fruitcake? I mean, really, giving you a fruitcake for a present is just another way of saying, "I dislike you so much that I'm going to give you 2000 calories of jellied fruit and nut compacted into a brick and wrapped in plastic."

122. A person may be inherently wise or experienced, but that means little or nothing if he/she is perceived as a fool. I, on the other hand, am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. ~ Combination of The Princess Bride and "Building Pathology, An Introduction"

123. (Name) is trying not to think about penguins.

124. Good things are coming soon. Stay tuned for more information after a few words from our sponsors.

125. (Name) wants to go someplace warm where the beer flows like wine.

126. Whisper down the lane is not as much fun on Facebook as it was when we used to sit in rows on the floor of the school gymnasium.

127. You're so vain, you probably think this status is about you.

128. I wish I was as smart as I think I am.

129. The next time somebody texts me with "k," I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k."

130. Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is so wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

131. (Name) thinks the xylophone is totally underrated.

132. Where is the chase and how do I cut to it? ~ Chris Griffin, Family Guy

133. If Santa were to name his balls, would he call one "Milk" and the other "Cookies"?

134. If winning doesn't matter, then why keep score?

135. It's amazing how something as simple as yelling and throwing things, although it doesn't solve your problems or help you find a solution, still makes you feel better! Now I need something to throw and somewhere to yell.

136. (Name) is not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe.

137. (Name) needs to master the art of patience. Quickly.

138. If a person who drinks too much is an alcoholic, then is someone who never drinks called a non-alcoholic?

139. If you think you have nothing to be thankful for today, consider this: At least you're not a turkey. Happy Holidays, folks. Enjoy your time today. (Only effective on Thanksgiving Day.)

140. I lost my accountabilibuddy.

Hooray for beer! You deserve it.
Hooray for beer! You deserve it.

141. You've worked hard all week. You deserve to get drunk, vomit on a bar stool, pray to the toilet gods, and sweat on the bathroom floor, where you will wake up the following afternoon with a headache, bad breath, and nausea. Have a good time, because you deserve this.

142. You don't want to question me. I've forgotten more in the past week than you've learned your whole life.

143. If I become a fan of myself, does that mean that every time I update my wall it will send an update to my wall?

144. A Penn State student trying to raise money for cancer came up to my car asking for money. I told her that I don't support cancer or Penn State.

145. Someone at work said to me, "Inquiring minds want to know if you have a boyfriend." I said, "Yes, I do, but don't tell my husband."

146. Somewhere in America, someone you don't like is praying for you. ~ Rachel Maddow

147. Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

148. (Name) is searching for zen. So far, it's not at Subway or Wawa.

149. You are on the phone, someone 'asks', "Hold please." No, no question—they just say it and put you on hold. Can you scream, "NO!" into the phone before they put you on hold? Will they hear it before you get put on hold? Will they think you're crazy? Will they still put you on hold? Will they hang up on you? Will they help you sooner? You have now been on hold 24 minutes. Discuss.

Inspirational and Heartfelt Facebook Status Updates

Niagara Falls is proof that art cannot compare to nature.
Niagara Falls is proof that art cannot compare to nature.

While it's fun to be snarky, once in a while it's good to throw in something sincere. After all, life is too short not to take a break and try to gain some perspective once in a while.

150. No artist could ever compare to the mastery of Mother Nature.

151. If you're so caught up in avoiding lightning, you may not ever enjoy a single thunderstorm.

152. One of the great regrets of my life is that I suffered so many assholes so gladly for so many years, all for the sake of a paycheck.

153. There are so many gods, so many creeds, so many paths that wind and wind, while all the sad world requires is simply the art of being kind.

154. If crying doesn't make the sad things better, then why do we do it?

155. Go away, bad mood. I didn't invite you into my world today.

156. Look outside of yourself, and you will appreciate others' accomplishments, failures, hardships, and journeys.

157. I was not part of the problem, but I will be part of the solution.

158. If you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're supposed to be there.

159. Sometimes things happen in life that are not part of the plan. When that happens, don't give up on your dreams; just find another way to reach them.

160. Small repairs in a broken wall help to build a stronger barrier against the sea of negativity that surrounds us.

161. Everything Irie.

162. Dear Life: You have some explaining to do.

163. If you remind yourself of the great things in life, the tough times don't seem so devastating.

164. Looks can fade as quickly as the clouds pass through the sky. It's the moments that touch your heart and heal your soul that last forever, along with the people who bring them to you.

165. Forgive those who hurt you even if whatever they did is unforgiveable. You will forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you don't want to suffer every time you remember what they did to you.

166. All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine ~ Socrates

167. A hero is born among a hundred, and a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand.

168. All noble things are as difficult as they are rare.

169. Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.

170. Every passing moment is another chance to turn it around.

171. Today is going to be difficult and challenging. Today, I will face my fears and stand up for what I believe is right. Today, my noble and selfless acts may be accused of cruel and greedy intentions. No matter what the outcome, I will be stronger, my family will be closer, and I will finally have the closure that I have been seeking for so many years.

172. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

173. Try this for a day: Instead of saying, "I hate," say "I dislike."

174. A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee.

175. We have to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, and lose in order to gain, because most of life's lessons are taught through pain.

176. Kudos to those who have the abilities to do what I cannot do.

177. My dreams are bigger than my wallet, but I'll find a way.

178. Realize your potential.

179. Don't overreact or give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

180. The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you. You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future. All it takes is a decision. Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret. Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.

181. Beneath the criticism is an underlying message. Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings. Compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap. What happens when the mouse takes the cheese? He gets his tail caught in the trap. That's what happens when you take the bait of criticism. Don't take the bait.

182. Staying connected is more important than making your point.

183. Saying nothing when you really want to say something only pushes those differences, disagreements, and conflicts under a simmering surface. Just be careful about how you air your feelings when you decide to open up during a conflict.

184. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only give you restlessness.

185. I can't pinpoint the moment when we started working toward uncommon goals, but I'm fairly certain that it corresponds with the moment when we stopped being productive.

186. Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins became a tourist attraction.

187. I cannot change the seasons or the wind (at least, not yet), but I can change myself.

188. Although I have loved and lost, it does not make this tragic time any less devastating. All that I can do is remember the life and love that was given and give thanks for the wonderful people brought together at such an enormous expense.

189. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

190. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

191. As devastating as things may seem, there is always that glimmer of hope to guide you through the storm.

192. I'm pretty much destined for greatness. I'm just pacing myself so I don't freak you out. ~ Shelley from the comments section

193. Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~ Albert Einstein, as suggested by Me in the comments section

194. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx, as suggested by Me in the comments section

195. If you watch the Titanic backwards, it's about a magical boat that emerges from the sea and saves people. ~ Myself from the comments section

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    • profile image

      CHENGE SAMSON 3 weeks ago

      Thanks for sharing

    • profile image

      BATMAN!!!!!! 6 weeks ago

      Sick moves rope, never doubted you bro

    • profile image

      Shinri Hamaguchi 5 months ago

      Thanks for sharing

      If you looking more attractive sarcastic status for whatsapp and facebook so here lost of collection try it now.

      https://status3k.com/sarcastic-status-whatsapp-quo...

    • profile image

      Internet traveler 17 months ago

      13 year olds posting, "Haters gonna hate"

      I bet you don't have haters, just elders who finds you annoying.

    • profile image

      Michael 2 years ago

      My name's Michael. Due to its spelling most people say it incorrectly. It's actually pronounced Daddy.

    • profile image

      Epsonok0 Offline and not logging in for one comment. 3 years ago

      This has got to be the longest hub I have ever read. Funny stuff though. I was laughing and reading a few of these off to some people. Great job.

    • profile image

      UpdaseKed 4 years ago

      When i employed to get high on lifetime but these days I've truly accumulated the opposition.

    • profile image

      dj crook 4 years ago

      Schwarzenegger has a big one,

      Michael J. Fox has a small one,

      Madonna doesn't have one,

      The POPE has one but doesn't use it,

      Clinton uses his all the time,

      Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,

      George Burns' was hot,

      Liberace NEVER used his on women,

      Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,

      We never saw Lucy use Desi's

      what is it?

      A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

    • profile image

      Vee 4 years ago

      fine ..I mean really cool aka great

      just copy past

    • profile image

      kayla 4 years ago

      Good ones

    • profile image

      Emily 5 years ago

      Sleep all day. Party all night

    • profile image

      Cakeland 5 years ago

      # 21 is from 8 mile

    • profile image

      ishu dhalaria 5 years ago

      A monkey turns on his PC,goes to internet,opens facebook statuses, and now he is reading this status

    • profile image

      m!ko 5 years ago

      Gosh i was cracking up real bad....

    • profile image

      John 5 years ago

      Thx for sharing ! i wonder how u think of such things

    • profile image

      thato 5 years ago

      just do it on facebook!

    • profile image

      HaileyMarie 5 years ago

      Wow! I laughed soooo hard at the titanic one in the comments! Lol :)

    • profile image

      Alyssa 5 years ago

      What's green and has wheels?.....…….…..........grass (i lied about the wheels)

    • profile image

      Asconio 5 years ago

      Thank you, those are pretty damn funny. Some of them are just f**king hilarious!

    • profile image

      Joey 5 years ago

      "Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you."

      Awesome!

    • profile image

      kakogo 5 years ago

      What does it take a grown up girl to give what the grown up man is asking from her?

    • profile image

      Mike Woood 5 years ago

      Agreed :)

    • RiciaAnn profile image
      Author

      RiciaAnn 5 years ago

      I'm not really sure what some of the comments on here are referring to, but I'd like to offer a piece of advice.

      When I see more than 5 lines of text in all caps, I skip past it. I think that's common among most readers. If you have something to say that you think is important enough to type out, try typing without using all caps and separate each thought, or every 3-4 sentences by starting a new paragraph. All caps are more effective if you use them for only a few words to DRAW ATTENTION to a particular piece of your statement.

      It will be easier to follow, and the audience will be more likely to read the entire comment.

      Happy posting everyone, and thank you for your positive thoughts and comments :D

    • profile image

      ALMOST FORGOT THIS DUMB ONE. WHO ACCIDENTLY TRIED TO CLIMB UP BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW HE ACCIDENTLY GOT SHOCKED BY LIGHTENING. IN LOVE. J/K I DUNNO :) 5 years ago

      Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstien

      CAREFUL NOT TO MESS WITH THUNDER AND LIGHTENING. WE'RE NOT LIGHT WHEN WE STRIKE. SO WE HOLD HANDS AND BOW DOWN FOR GOD TO GIVE YOU GRACE AND NOT STRIKE YOU DEAD. MAYBE, JUST A LITTLE MAD. SORRY :/

    • profile image

      JUST SAY YOU ARE ONE. THEY WILL KNOW. START BELIEVING IN TRUST. 5 years ago

      no one is more youer than you

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      ME 5 years ago

      Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstien

      DEAR ALBERT,

      PEOPLE DON'T HAVE GILLS. PEOPLE CAN CLIMB TREES, BUT SHOULDN'T. THANK GOD. FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT ALBERT WAS STUPID.

      Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you. Shout aloud "I am glad to be what I am." Thank goodness I'm not a clam, or a ham, or a dusty old jar of gooseberry jam. I am what I am, what a great thing to be. If I say so myself, "happy everyday to me!" -Dr. Suess

      I LIKE DR. SEUSS HE WRITES LIKE A KID SO CHILDREN CAN SOUND OUT THE WORD WITH LETTERS.

      Outside of a dog,a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's to dark to read. -Groucho Marx

      DEAR GROUCHO MARK (Muppet dog talking)

      UNLESS YOU MEET A FEMALE WOLF. WRITING IS A MAN'S RELEASE AND JOURNEY TOWARD PEACE. STAY POSITIVE IF YOU EXPECT TO BE HAPPY. I PREFER A PLASTIC BUBBLE BECAUSE I LIKE TO SEE PEOPLE AND JUST PRESS MUTE WHEN THEY TALK BECAUSE I LOVE TO READ THEIR LIPS MOVE IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

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      YOU 5 years ago

      this status are ok. needs tobe more funny but so inspirational.

      JUST SAY THESE QUOTES NEED TO BE MORE INSPIRATIONAL.

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      ME 5 years ago

      Great stuff! I got a few much needed laughs. Thank you. I have to bookmark this one to come back to over and over!

      PICK ONE. OR TWO. OR J/K

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      HOLLER! THIS IS FUNNY 5 years ago

      ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” ~ Julius Caesar

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      Amanda 5 years ago

      These are not amazing.

      AY. AmAnDa please spell your name correctly Amanda looks prettier now, your not a nickname

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      Alex Loser 5 years ago

      you know what's better than shiting in the yard , shiting in the yard doing a handstand

      Like when a guy makes a girl drink to much only to find out she packed her tummy with bread. She may have smelled your flowers coming.

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      TATIANA 5 years ago

      these r so funny. made my day. they r very insperational and have great meaning too.

      These are so funny! These fragments need to written as a quote for the meaning to ACTUALLY be inspirational.

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      KIM KARDASHIAN 5 years ago

      The next time somebody texts me with "k", I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k"

      - I USED TO TEXT "K" IF YOU COULD ACT OR READ AN ACTUAL SCRIPT LIKE MY FRIEND PAUL. THEN YOU WOULD GET IT. IT'S A GIRLS WAY OF BEING CUTE WHEN SHE TALKS LIKE A SPOILED BRAT. SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL AND A GOOD GIRL. YEP.

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      tatiana 5 years ago

      these r so funny. made my day. they r very insperational and have great meaning too.

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      AmAnDa 5 years ago

      These are amazing. They really made my day! Awesome job.

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      Poetic Fool 5 years ago

      Great stuff! I got a few much needed laughs. Thank you. I have to bookmark this one to come back to over and over!

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      ~CHOP~ 5 years ago

      Well done

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      yolo 5 years ago

      this status are ok. needs tobe more funny but so inspirational.

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      mari 5 years ago

      hahahaha! halerios stuff:)

    • RiciaAnn profile image
      Author

      RiciaAnn 5 years ago

      That's AWESOME! Perfect timing, too :)

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      sallysoda 5 years ago

      i love 129

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      bolu2fame@yahoo.com 5 years ago

      rili hilarious

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      GloC 5 years ago

      Its simple, Kill the Batman ~ The Joker

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      flynn 5 years ago

      #8 is from Dilbert

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      sunnykye 5 years ago

      #5 wasn't Patton or Fallout 3 or Call of Duty. It was Bertrand Russell.

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      lizzy 5 years ago

      the best web ever keep it up and keep it running cause im gonna run to :():

    • Affinity2010 profile image

      Leslie Trotter 5 years ago from New Orleans, La

      "The cure to loneliness is to get out there

      and socialize, the cure to getting those

      you wish you hadn't met out of your life is

      to tell them you are out on parole and you know where they

      live." This one is useful too

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      smartrich22 5 years ago from Bandung, Indonesia

      These Facebook statuses are wonderful, thanks for posting this!

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      Myself 5 years ago

      If you watch the titanic backwards, it's about a magical boat that emerges from the sea and saves people.

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      Me 5 years ago

      144 is bill Cosby

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      Heather 5 years ago

      Just thought you should know.......

      Never mind. I will feel like I'm typing a 50 page essay

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      al masum 5 years ago

      Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

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      Gary 5 years ago

      girl: what's that?Boy: chocalate Girl: wher did u get it? Boy: a doggie dropped it Gir: EWWW

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      Shanna 5 years ago

      Kinda mad because i def came up with 127 like over a year ago!

      on a lighter note, the others seemed very original and YOU ROCK!

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      carley 5 years ago

      omg sooo funny

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      Zac 5 years ago

      Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstien

      Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you. Shout aloud "I am glad to be what I am." Thank goodness I'm not a clam, or a ham, or a dusty old jar of gooseberry jam. I am what I am, what a great thing to be. If I say so myself, "happy everyday to me!" -Dr. Suess

      Outside of a dog,a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's to dark to read. -Groucho Marx

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      washington 5 years ago

      Posting them and getting comments.kip it pumping.

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      jr 5 years ago

      my wife asked what was on the tv and i said dirt clean it..what i realized is it is not easy ducking from a show flying at your head

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      ELL DEE 5 years ago

      that girl is about as cool as a crowd surfing at a jewel concert

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      Hailey Berdan 6 years ago

      i really love this jokes they r hillarious thx for dooing them never laughed like this

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      abe 6 years ago

      Never taste the depth of the water with someone else's tongue o_O

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      6 years ago

      dont let me book your face

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      Olivia Gregory,TN 6 years ago

      Sooo freaking Hilarious!!!!(:

      I know three facts about you. You cant say M without making your lips touch. your doing it right now. and now your laughing at yourself.

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      Blue Biamond 6 years ago

      Lolz these are hilarious... I loved realing them! I was annoyed at something but now i forgot coz ireaded these... thanks :)

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      carol 6 years ago

      Just want to thank the people who have walked into my life and made it great. And also thank you to those who have walked out and made it fantastic! PEACE

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      Naomi 6 years ago

      These all r tooo gud!Thanxs buddy!

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      tim overstreet 6 years ago

      Women are just like men after you take away reasoning and accountability.

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      christine meyer 6 years ago

      i write this on fb page and everybody likes it??? i wonder why??>>...

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      kurt villar 6 years ago

      i had number in my status last month

      15 friends liked it and until now, still counting...

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      ahmed moustafa  6 years ago

      no #5 is perfect

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      kevoh 6 years ago

      tha one for chicken crossing tha road.....hahahaaa

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      Berenice 6 years ago

      You guys really read all those things? lol

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      Adam 6 years ago

      He gave his heart a mom attack.

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      Paul 6 years ago

      (Your Name) is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that (Your Name) may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if (Your Name) is right for you...

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      Johnny 6 years ago

      ... can do the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs!

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      Lety 6 years ago

      funny:) i thought they were great!

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      MsPerceptionRiot 6 years ago

      What about a pinecone?

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      Ur_a_Lozer 6 years ago

      I think the status things were great. so ya

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      Rushikesh 6 years ago

      Year teach us more than book...

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      Si The Pie In The Sky 6 years ago

      Refuses to type any status.

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      john 6 years ago

      friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the true warmth.

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      Alexis 6 years ago

      I like # 7 it rocks

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      Oh yeah! 6 years ago

      I want to invite you over to Myspace so I can Twitter your Yahoo until you Google all over my Facebook.

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      Wayne 6 years ago

      I got Facebooked last night!

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      roscoe 7 years ago

      Do sealions eat seazebras?

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      Delia 7 years ago

      I recently forgot where I parked my car. It took me 2 hours to describe to the security what my car looks like.

      Moral: Never modify your car.

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      Craig 7 years ago

      I have a list of the funniest facebook status quotes. Check my blog.

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      ets 7 years ago

      #5 is also in fallout 3

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      saraa 7 years ago

      dude, LMAO ! :D funnnieee :)

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      FAnofME 7 years ago

      Thank you me for doing what we call in reality...research.

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      ME 7 years ago

      Actually number 5 is a quote by Gen. Goerge S Patton.

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      Ste 7 years ago

      Number 5 is off Call Of Duty

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      omneya 7 years ago

      adorable

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      Amanda  7 years ago

      Yes yes I already posted two of those =P and have gotten many comments so far haha they are great[=

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      lol 7 years ago

      The next time somebody texts me with "k", I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k"

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      Zak 7 years ago

      great quotes... love it..

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      shelley 7 years ago

      I'm pretty much destined for greatness. I'm just pacing myself so I don't freak you out.

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      cool 7 years ago

      no one is more youer than you

    • jayjay40 profile image

      jayjay40 7 years ago from Bristol England

      very funny, well done