13 Ways to Destroy Your Twitter Following
Here are some things you shouldn’t do on Twitter (unless you don’t care about getting or keeping a following.) In fact, in most cases, it’s probably a good idea to do the opposite. The following is a sarcastic take on ways you really can destroy your Twitter following:
#1 Post nothing but links
People love reading each other’s blogs, which is great news because you’re on Twitter because you heard it can get you more traffic.
There’s no reason to build relationships, that’s what REAL life is for. Don’t tweet @ anyone, that’s a huge waste of time. Nobody wants 140 characters of what’s going on in your life. Just throw a link at your audience. It doesn’t even need a title.
#2 Keep that egg photo
Who cares what you look like, am I right? I don’t see why it matters WHAT my photo looks like, I know my content is awesome and people who truly want to follow me already know that.
In fact, don’t even fill out your bio. You don’t want people following you on Twitter because you have similar interests. That’s just getting on the weird side.
#3 Lock your tweets
Your Twitter feed is some seriously awesome stuff that is too good for any old plebeian to read.
You’ll want to approve everyone who follows you on Twitter to ensure only the best followers. I mean, why would random people need to know every time you ate macaroni? That’s actually kind of stalkerish, if you ask me, keep that stuff on lock down.
#4 Auto-DM your followers
You're a Twitter celeb. Anyone who wants to follow you clearly wants to subscribe to all your blogs, email lists, etc.
In fact, you’ll also want to use TrueTwit to validate your followers because it really matters how real they are. People really love being spammed/punished for following you, so this one is a big one.
#5 Use #hashtags throughout #YourEntireTweet
People really #love reading #tweets with #hashtags! It’s a #great #way to get your tweet #noticed #allover #twitter #2016
#6 Abuse trending topic hashtags
Use trending topics to make everything about you or whatever you're trying to get people to buy into.
Nothing says, 'this is totally legit" like a tweet that says:
We are having a 10% off sale #Chicago #justinbieber #Election2016 #UnrelatedTrendingTopic
#7 Don't communicate with other Twitter users
I probably don’t even need to go through this one. Why would you ever want to tweet @ anyone? What would you even say? Your Twitter feed is about you, numero uno, nobody else.
#8 Only tweet the headlines
People want to know what’s going on and you’re their number one news source. People on Twitter have no idea how to find out the news on their own. In fact, as above, don't communicate with anyone. Ever.
#9 Don't share your feelings
If you inject your personality in your tweets, you won’t seem professional and you just can’t have that.
Make sure you remove every semblance of mood and tone in your tweets before you send out your 140 characters of sheer wisdom.
#10 Steal awesome tweets
Never retweet. It’s a sign of weakness.
If you happen to read something funny or inspirational, just do a quick copy and paste and voila!
Make sure you don’t copy and paste their original tweeter’s username… you wouldn’t want to accidentally give them credit!
#11 Brag incessantly
Talk about how awesome you are ALL the time. Talk about your income (if you make crappy wages, make up a number that sounds good) and show pictures of your latest vacation.
Nothing says authoritative like someone with an amazing life. This also give you the opportunity to get passive aggressive with other users (bonus points when it comes to being authoritative.)
If you don't do this, how will people ever know you're important?
#12 Frequency is key
Either tweet every five minutes or once every 5 months.
If you tweet all the time, you REALLY get your stuff out there. You could even tweet the same link over and over again!
If you tweet infrequently, people will feel REALLY graced by your presence this will super amplify your tweet.
#13 Fight it out
There's nothing that says "integrity" like getting on the Internet and telling people how wrong they are.
If someone said something that hurt your feelings or you have a beef to pick with someone, make sure you let EVERYONE know. This is a great way to discredit that bad person/entity and make you look like a real winner.
© 2016 Melanie Shebel
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