StricktlyDating is an Australian writer who creates pages of original funny quotes and status updates.
Here is a list of funny, cute, and witty status updates that are great for places like Facebook and Twitter.
Funny Facebook Statuses
- Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
- Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
- If something's not going right, try left.
- About to dance my feet silly!
- Smile while you still have teeth.
- I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
- Why bother reading books? We have Eminem; he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
- I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
- Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
- Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
- Relationship Status: COMING SOON
- You can't be late until you show up.
- Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
- A big shout-out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
- Hi, I'm James. Let's bond.
- T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)
- Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
- I think it's cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!
- Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
- Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not, it will tell you who can fix it.
- It hurts when you go to unfriend someone, and you find they've beaten you to it!
Statuses That Will Get Lots of Likes
- May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
- LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo, you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
- Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
- Looking at school books and thinking: what a waste of a tree!
- Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
- Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
- Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
- Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- Nothing is illegal. Until you get caught.
- Friends are like boobs: some are real, some are fake.
- Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
Clever Facebook Statuses
- Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- When I get a pimple on my tongue, I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.
- I dance like a car dealership's inflatable tube man.
- I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
- You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
- A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
- The first five days after the weekend are always hard.
- I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
- At first, I didn't like my beard; then it grew on me.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- "What's up cake?" "Muffin much."
- I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.
Statuses That Will Get Comments
- I forgot to work out today. That's five years in a row!
- If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work.
- I hate it when I'm singing a song, and the artist gets the words wrong.
- That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for, and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good, thanks!"
- The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
- You look like I need a drink.
- Trust me; you can dance. ~ Vodka
- I'm not weird. I'm just cooler than you.
- Haircuts are the reason why I have trust issues.
- That awkward moment when you wave to a stranger on Facebook by accident.
- I wasn't drunk; I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
- Dip me in chocolate and call me dessert.
- That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
- I put the 'Me' in 'Someone,' and things get awkward.
- Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
- That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
Witty Status Updates
- I just don't know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say, "Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that restroom!"
- That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
- The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
- I'm a good girl. With a lot of bad habits.
- Aren't we ALL internet explorers?
- I've been known to flash people (with my camera).
- If Twitter wasn't around in the olden days, why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
- I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
- Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
- Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
- Dear friends, please don't tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely, everybody born before 2010.
- Don't think too much, or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
- Without Candy Crush, I'd be like a kid with no candy!
- Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
- I did not say I didn't want to work. I said I didn't want to twerk!
- Cheese. Milk's leap towards evolution.
- My mum's so old-fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa is in the hospital LOL.
- I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
- Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
- Tired? There's a nap for that.
- When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chicken's bum.
- If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
- If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
- Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
- Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
- A day without sunlight is night.
- I can resist anything, except temptation.
- Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
- I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
- Every time I put my phone on silent, it decides to play "hide and seek."
- You put the "pro" in "procrastination."
- I don't have exes; I have Y's. Y the hell did I do that?
- I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
- If swimming is an exercise, then explain whales to me.
- If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
- Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
- We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me five years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
- Unicorns do exist. They're just fat and grey, and we call them Rhinos.
- A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
- I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
- My wallet is like an onion—when I open it, it makes me cry.
- Life is like a box of chocolates: if you eat the whole thing at once you're going to be sick.
© 2012 StrictlyQuotes
Add a Funny Tweet or Facebook Status:
s4a on September 09, 2020:
your eyes are like wrenches, every time I look into them, they tighten my nuts...
Steven laat on July 24, 2020:
Very nice words
Naira white on January 02, 2020:
I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change ur facebook status....
add me one facebook naira white
nthabeleng happiness on June 20, 2019:
morina david on December 24, 2018:
Sidiki on December 10, 2018:
FieryChocolate on December 02, 2018:
I love'em all.
Funny Status on November 09, 2018:
kalid usman on October 24, 2018:
it's so nice
BIGt on September 16, 2018:
Love these status.
Martin M De King on September 07, 2018:
These post r useful indeed
Ayodeji Happy on August 25, 2018:
TIMMAY! on August 21, 2018:
I'm immortal. So far.
Jagadish on August 07, 2018:
mike on July 18, 2018:
These are corny
Rajel on June 20, 2018:
anjali Sharma on March 28, 2018:
camel ragav on October 04, 2017:
diogenes on July 25, 2017:
Great!! These come around every five years and read just like brand new!
Kalvin on July 06, 2017:
Cool Collection of status lines.
komal on June 22, 2017:
nice this sharing on fb
sohel on April 07, 2015:
Wow your status is very nic & so good sides
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 27, 2015:
Thank you so much :)
schoolgirlforreal on February 24, 2015:
Nice! Love these! Sharing on FB :)
Kari on September 02, 2014:
Love the WTF one! Weird I've never heard that before. lol
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 02, 2014:
Thank you DDE and I am such a fan of yours :)
Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on September 02, 2014:
Great read here and I RT occasionally. You think of awesome ideas.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 02, 2014:
Cool, thank you :)
JUMAIN PRETOORS on August 14, 2014:
Well good,awesome and cool I like it!
facts25 on March 29, 2013:
Hahahahahahaha, I really enjoyed while reading these funny facebook status
Elizabeth Mara from New Hampshire on March 14, 2013:
Thanks, Stricktlydating! I laughed at some of these and thought of several people who'd laugh with me. Let the sharing continue~
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on January 21, 2013:
Thanks for your great feedback!
Gulf Coast Sun from Gulf of Mexico on June 23, 2012:
hahahahahahahahahahahahah - thanks
bangabanga on June 19, 2012:
Bml on May 31, 2012:
These are hilarious. So going as my statuses;)I was actually dropped in a pool of sexy.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on May 06, 2012:
Clever talents Miranda! Thanks for commenting :)
Miranda on May 05, 2012:
Loved these, very funny. I can wiggle my ears and raise one eyebrow (i can also do the wave with my eyebrows~~)That was a secret, no one knew besides my sister and mom.
Well the cats out of the bag now... Thanks for sharing=)
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on April 08, 2012:
That's great Deepak! Thanks for commenting! Best wishes :)
Deepak Choubey on April 08, 2012:
Gr8 i have got all the post for the day!!!! Thanks a lot!!!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on April 03, 2012:
Glad you liked it ronakbhatia!
ronakbhatia from Mumbai, India on March 26, 2012:
Haha, awesome! Gonna copy a few :D
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 24, 2012:
That's wild Nicki!
nicki on March 15, 2012:
haha laughed my butt ox off! lol :D
alisha4u from New Delhi, India on February 24, 2012:
Looks like you are too much into social networkin... Witty thoughts though..
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 23, 2012:
Thankyou acaetnna :) Always lovely to have your feedback!
acaetnna from Guildford on February 22, 2012:
Ha, ha, awesome as always. Brilliant work. Voting up and hitting your buttons.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 22, 2012:
Ahhh! That's awesome princesswithapen! Thanks!
princesswithapen on February 21, 2012:
"Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow." Haha! I bet most readers would actually try this one while reading it.
This hub made for an amusing read - just what the doctor ordered with a nice hot cuppa.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 20, 2012:
Wow! Thanks for all your great comments! Glad you enjoyed these status updates! Smiles from Australia :)
Samir Illathodi from Kerala, India. on February 20, 2012:
I like the last three! Lool! Gonna put it as my status! Good Hub! :)
diogenes from UK and Mexico on February 20, 2012:
Had a good chuckle at some of these m'dear.
Infobrowser from UK on February 20, 2012:
This is a very funny and clever selection. Think I'll be putting some up on facebook LIKE A BOSS! Thanks =)