Funny, Clever, and Cute Status Updates for Facebook and Twitter

Updated on June 19, 2018
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Hubpages writer StricktlyDating is an Australian writer creating pages of original funny quotes and status updates.

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There are a lot of funny statuses out there that you can post on social media. Once you get a cool username for your social media profile, you will need some funny and witty things to post. Here is a list of funny, cute, and witty status updates that are great for places like Facebook and Twitter.

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Funny Facebook Statuses

  • Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
  • Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
  • If something's not going right, try left.
  • About to dance my feet silly!
  • Smile while you still have teeth.
  • I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
  • Why bother reading books? We have Eminem; he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
  • I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
  • Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
  • Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
  • Relationship Status: COMING SOON
  • You can't be late until you show up.
  • Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).

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  • A big shout-out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
  • Hi, I'm James. Let's bond.
  • T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)
  • Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
  • I think it's cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!
  • Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
  • Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.
  • It hurts when you go to unfriend someone, and you find they've beaten you to it!

Statuses That Will Get Lots of Likes

  • May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
  • LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo, you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
  • Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
  • Looking at school books and thinking: what a waste of a tree!
  • Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
  • Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
  • Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
  • Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  • Nothing is illegal. Until you get caught.
  • Friends are like boobs: some are real, some are fake.
  • Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.

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Clever Facebook Statuses

  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  • When I get a pimple on my tongue, I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.
  • I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.
  • I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
  • You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
  • A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
  • The first five days after the weekend are always hard.
  • I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
  • At first, I didn't like my beard; then it grew on me.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • "What's up cake?" "Muffin much."
  • I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.

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Statuses That Will Get Comments

  • I forgot to work out today. That's five years in a row!
  • If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work.
  • I hate it when I'm singing a song, and the artist gets the words wrong.
  • That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for, and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good thanks!"
  • The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
  • You look like I need a drink.
  • Trust me; you can dance. ~ Vodka
  • I'm not weird. I'm just cooler than you.
  • Haircuts are the reason why I have trust issues.
  • That awkward moment when you wave to a stranger on Facebook by accident.
  • I wasn't drunk; I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
  • Dip me in chocolate and call me dessert.
  • That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
  • I put the 'Me' in 'Someone,' and things get awkward.
  • Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
  • That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.

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Witty Status Updates

  • I just don't know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say "Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that restroom!"
  • That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
  • The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
  • I'm a good girl. With a lot of bad habits.
  • Aren't we ALL internet explorers?
  • I've been known to flash people (with my camera).
  • If Twitter wasn't around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
  • I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
  • Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
  • Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
  • Dear friends, please don't tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely everybody born before 2010.
  • Don't think too much or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
  • Without candy crush, I'd be like a kid with no candy!
  • Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
  • I did not say I didn't want to work. I said I didn't want to twerk!
  • Cheese. Milk's leap towards evolution.
  • My mum's so old-fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa is in the hospital LOL.
  • I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
  • Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
  • Tired? There's a nap for that.

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  • When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chicken's bum.
  • If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
  • If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
  • This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
  • Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
  • Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
  • A day without sunlight is night.
  • I can resist anything, except temptation.
  • Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
  • I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.

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  • Every time I put my phone on silent, it decides to play "hide and seek."
  • You put the "pro" in "procrastination."
  • I don't have exes; I have Y's. Y the hell did I do that?
  • I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
  • If swimming is an exercise, then explain whales to me.
  • If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
  • Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
  • We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me five years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
  • Unicorns do exist. They're just fat and grey, and we call them Rhinos.
  • A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
  • I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
  • My wallet is like an onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates: if you eat the whole thing at once you're going to be sick.

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© 2012 StricktlyDating

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    • profile image

      FieryChocolate 

      8 days ago

      I love'em all.

    • profile image

      Funny Status 

      4 weeks ago

      Nice

    • profile image

      kalid usman 

      6 weeks ago

      it's so nice

    • profile image

      BIGt 

      2 months ago

      Love these status.

    • profile image

      Martin M De King 

      3 months ago

      These post r useful indeed

    • profile image

      Ayodeji Happy 

      3 months ago

      Very Nice

    • profile image

      TIMMAY! 

      3 months ago

      I'm immortal. So far.

    • profile image

      Jagadish 

      4 months ago

      Very Nyc

    • profile image

      mike 

      4 months ago

      These are corny

    • profile image

      Rajel 

      5 months ago

      Style

    • profile image

      anjali Sharma 

      8 months ago

      Cool collection

    • profile image

      camel ragav 

      14 months ago

      hai frnds

    • profile image

      diogenes 

      16 months ago

      Great!! These come around every five years and read just like brand new!

      Doft Sick

    • profile image

      Kalvin 

      17 months ago

      Cool Collection of status lines.

    • profile image

      komal 

      17 months ago

      nice this sharing on fb

    • profile image

      sohel 

      3 years ago

      Wow your status is very nic & so good sides

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      3 years ago from Australia

      Thank you so much :)

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 

      3 years ago

      Nice! Love these! Sharing on FB :)

    • Relationshipc profile image

      Kari 

      4 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      Love the WTF one! Weird I've never heard that before. lol

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      4 years ago from Australia

      Thank you DDE and I am such a fan of yours :)

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Great read here and I RT occasionally. You think of awesome ideas.

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      4 years ago from Australia

      Cool, thank you :)

    • profile image

      JUMAIN PRETOORS 

      4 years ago

      Well good,awesome and cool I like it!

    • profile image

      facts25 

      5 years ago

      Hahahahahahaha, I really enjoyed while reading these funny facebook status

    • Elizabeth Mara profile image

      Elizabeth Mara 

      5 years ago from New Hampshire

      Thanks, Stricktlydating! I laughed at some of these and thought of several people who'd laugh with me. Let the sharing continue~

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      5 years ago from Australia

      Thanks for your great feedback!

    • Gulf Coast Sun profile image

      Gulf Coast Sun 

      6 years ago from Gulf of Mexico

      hahahahahahahahahahahahah - thanks

    • profile image

      bangabanga 

      6 years ago

      lolllllllllll

    • profile image

      Bml 

      6 years ago

      These are hilarious. So going as my statuses;)I was actually dropped in a pool of sexy.

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      Clever talents Miranda! Thanks for commenting :)

    • profile image

      Miranda 

      6 years ago

      Loved these, very funny. I can wiggle my ears and raise one eyebrow (i can also do the wave with my eyebrows~~)That was a secret, no one knew besides my sister and mom.

      Well the cats out of the bag now... Thanks for sharing=)

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      That's great Deepak! Thanks for commenting! Best wishes :)

    • profile image

      Deepak Choubey 

      6 years ago

      Gr8 i have got all the post for the day!!!! Thanks a lot!!!

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      Glad you liked it ronakbhatia!

    • ronakbhatia profile image

      ronakbhatia 

      6 years ago from Mumbai, India

      Haha, awesome! Gonna copy a few :D

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      That's wild Nicki!

    • profile image

      nicki 

      6 years ago

      haha laughed my butt ox off! lol :D

    • alisha4u profile image

      alisha4u 

      6 years ago from New Delhi, India

      Looks like you are too much into social networkin... Witty thoughts though..

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      Thankyou acaetnna :) Always lovely to have your feedback!

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 

      6 years ago from Guildford

      Ha, ha, awesome as always. Brilliant work. Voting up and hitting your buttons.

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      Ahhh! That's awesome princesswithapen! Thanks!

    • princesswithapen profile image

      princesswithapen 

      6 years ago

      "Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow." Haha! I bet most readers would actually try this one while reading it.

      This hub made for an amusing read - just what the doctor ordered with a nice hot cuppa.

      Princesswithapen

    • stricktlydating profile imageAUTHOR

      StricktlyDating 

      6 years ago from Australia

      Wow! Thanks for all your great comments! Glad you enjoyed these status updates! Smiles from Australia :)

    • Samir Illathodi profile image

      Samir Illathodi 

      6 years ago from Kerala, India.

      I like the last three! Lool! Gonna put it as my status! Good Hub! :)

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 

      6 years ago from UK and Mexico

      Had a good chuckle at some of these m'dear.

      Take care

      duge hick

    • Infobrowser profile image

      Infobrowser 

      6 years ago from UK

      This is a very funny and clever selection. Think I'll be putting some up on facebook LIKE A BOSS! Thanks =)

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