Very Funny And Cute Status Updates

Updated on June 22, 2016
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Hubpages writer StricktlyDating is an Australian writer creating pages of original funny quotes, funny status updates and funny memes.

Funny and cute Facebook status updates and tweets, guaranteed to make you laugh until tears run down your legs!

Funny Statuses:

  • A big shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
  • Hi I'm James, let's bond.
  • T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)
  • Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
  • I think it's really cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!
  • Today is the first day of the rest of your life...And if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...
  • Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.
  • It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they've beat you to it!
  • If twitter wasn't around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
  • Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
  • If something's not going right, try left.
  • About to dance my feet silly!
  • Why bother reading books? We have Eminem he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
  • I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
  • Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
  • Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
  • Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
  • Relationship Status: COMING SOON
  • Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
  • LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
  • Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
  • Looking at school books and thinking - What a waste of a tree!
  • Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
  • Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
  • Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
  • Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  • Nothing is illegal...Until you get caught.
  • Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
  • Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  • When I get a pimple on my tongue I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.
  • I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.
  • I forgot to work out today. That's 5 years in a row!
  • If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realise I wasn't at work.
  • I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
  • That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good thanks!"
  • You look like I need a drink.
  • I wasn't drunk, I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
  • That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
  • I've got a dig bick. You read that wrong. The awkward when you read that wrong too and said 'Moment' when it wasn't there.
  • I put the 'Me' in 'Someone' and things get awkward.
  • Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
  • That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
  • I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
  • You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
  • A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calender says W T F.
  • The first 5 days after the weekend are always hard.
  • I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
  • At first I didn't like my beard, then it grew on me.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • "What's up cake?" "Muffin much".
  • I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.

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  • I just don't know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say "Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that rest room!"
  • That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
  • The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
  • Aren't we ALL internet explorers?
  • I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
  • Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
  • Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
  • Dear friends, please don't tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely everybody born before 2010.
  • Don't think too much or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
  • Without candy crush I'd be like a kid with no candy!
  • Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
  • I did not say I didn't want to work. I said I didn't want to twirk!
  • Cheese. Milks leap towards evolution.
  • My mum's so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa's in hospital LOL.
  • I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
  • Tired? There's a nap for that.
  • Every time I put my phone on silent it decides to play 'Hide and seek'.
  • You put the 'Pro' in 'Procrastination'.
  • I don't have exs, I have Ys. Y the hell did I do that?
  • I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
  • If swimming is an exercise explain whales to me.
  • If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
  • When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chickens bum.
  • If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
  • If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
  • This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
  • Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
  • Lucky for you mirrors can't laugh out loud.
  • Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
  • Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
  • I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
  • May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
  • Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
  • We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me 5 years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
  • Unicorns do exist. They're just fat and grey and we call them Rhinos.
  • A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
  • I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
  • My wallet is like an Onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.

Author: StricktlyDating

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    • profile image

      anjali Sharma 3 weeks ago

      Cool collection

    • profile image

      camel ragav 6 months ago

      hai frnds

    • profile image

      diogenes 9 months ago

      Great!! These come around every five years and read just like brand new!

      Doft Sick

    • profile image

      Kalvin 9 months ago

      Cool Collection of status lines.

    • profile image

      komal 10 months ago

      nice this sharing on fb

    • profile image

      sohel 3 years ago

      Wow your status is very nic & so good sides

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 3 years ago from Australia

      Thank you so much :)

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 3 years ago

      Nice! Love these! Sharing on FB :)

    • Relationshipc profile image

      Kari 3 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      Love the WTF one! Weird I've never heard that before. lol

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 3 years ago from Australia

      Thank you DDE and I am such a fan of yours :)

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Great read here and I RT occasionally. You think of awesome ideas.

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 3 years ago from Australia

      Cool, thank you :)

    • profile image

      JUMAIN PRETOORS 3 years ago

      Well good,awesome and cool I like it!

    • profile image

      facts25 5 years ago

      Hahahahahahaha, I really enjoyed while reading these funny facebook status

    • Elizabeth Mara profile image

      Elizabeth Mara 5 years ago from New Hampshire

      Thanks, Stricktlydating! I laughed at some of these and thought of several people who'd laugh with me. Let the sharing continue~

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 5 years ago from Australia

      Thanks for your great feedback!

    • Gulf Coast Sun profile image

      Gulf Coast Sun 5 years ago from Gulf of Mexico

      hahahahahahahahahahahahah - thanks

    • profile image

      bangabanga 5 years ago


    • profile image

      Bml 5 years ago

      These are hilarious. So going as my statuses;)I was actually dropped in a pool of sexy.

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 5 years ago from Australia

      Clever talents Miranda! Thanks for commenting :)

    • profile image

      Miranda 5 years ago

      Loved these, very funny. I can wiggle my ears and raise one eyebrow (i can also do the wave with my eyebrows~~)That was a secret, no one knew besides my sister and mom.

      Well the cats out of the bag now... Thanks for sharing=)

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 6 years ago from Australia

      That's great Deepak! Thanks for commenting! Best wishes :)

    • profile image

      Deepak Choubey 6 years ago

      Gr8 i have got all the post for the day!!!! Thanks a lot!!!

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 6 years ago from Australia

      Glad you liked it ronakbhatia!

    • ronakbhatia profile image

      ronakbhatia 6 years ago from Mumbai, India

      Haha, awesome! Gonna copy a few :D

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 6 years ago from Australia

      That's wild Nicki!

    • profile image

      nicki 6 years ago

      haha laughed my butt ox off! lol :D

    • alisha4u profile image

      alisha4u 6 years ago from New Delhi, India

      Looks like you are too much into social networkin... Witty thoughts though..

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 6 years ago from Australia

      Thankyou acaetnna :) Always lovely to have your feedback!

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 6 years ago from Guildford

      Ha, ha, awesome as always. Brilliant work. Voting up and hitting your buttons.

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 6 years ago from Australia

      Ahhh! That's awesome princesswithapen! Thanks!

    • princesswithapen profile image

      princesswithapen 6 years ago

      "Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow." Haha! I bet most readers would actually try this one while reading it.

      This hub made for an amusing read - just what the doctor ordered with a nice hot cuppa.


    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 6 years ago from Australia

      Wow! Thanks for all your great comments! Glad you enjoyed these status updates! Smiles from Australia :)

    • Samir Illathodi profile image

      Samir Illathodi 6 years ago from Kerala, India.

      I like the last three! Lool! Gonna put it as my status! Good Hub! :)

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico

      Had a good chuckle at some of these m'dear.

      Take care

      duge hick

    • Infobrowser profile image

      Infobrowser 6 years ago from UK

      This is a very funny and clever selection. Think I'll be putting some up on facebook LIKE A BOSS! Thanks =)