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Funny, Clever, and Cute Status Updates for Facebook and Twitter

StricktlyDating is an Australian writer who creates pages of original funny quotes and status updates.

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There are a lot of funny statuses out there that you can post on social media. Once you get a cool username for your social media profile, you will need some funny and witty things to post. Here is a list of funny, cute, and witty status updates that are great for places like Facebook and Twitter.

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Funny Facebook Statuses

  • Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
  • Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
  • If something's not going right, try left.
  • About to dance my feet silly!
  • Smile while you still have teeth.
  • I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
  • Why bother reading books? We have Eminem; he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
  • I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
  • Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
  • Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
  • Relationship Status: COMING SOON
  • You can't be late until you show up.
  • Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
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  • A big shout-out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
  • Hi, I'm James. Let's bond.
  • T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)
  • Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
  • I think it's cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!
  • Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
  • Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.
  • It hurts when you go to unfriend someone, and you find they've beaten you to it!
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Statuses That Will Get Lots of Likes

  • May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
  • LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo, you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
  • Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
  • Looking at school books and thinking: what a waste of a tree!
  • Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
  • Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
  • Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
  • Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  • Nothing is illegal. Until you get caught.
  • Friends are like boobs: some are real, some are fake.
  • Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
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Clever Facebook Statuses

  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  • When I get a pimple on my tongue, I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.
  • I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.
  • I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
  • You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
  • A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
  • The first five days after the weekend are always hard.
  • I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
  • At first, I didn't like my beard; then it grew on me.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • "What's up cake?" "Muffin much."
  • I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.
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Statuses That Will Get Comments

  • I forgot to work out today. That's five years in a row!
  • If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work.
  • I hate it when I'm singing a song, and the artist gets the words wrong.
  • That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for, and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good thanks!"
  • The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
  • You look like I need a drink.
  • Trust me; you can dance. ~ Vodka
  • I'm not weird. I'm just cooler than you.
  • Haircuts are the reason why I have trust issues.
  • That awkward moment when you wave to a stranger on Facebook by accident.
  • I wasn't drunk; I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
  • Dip me in chocolate and call me dessert.
  • That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
  • I put the 'Me' in 'Someone,' and things get awkward.
  • Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
  • That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
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Witty Status Updates

  • I just don't know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say "Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that restroom!"
  • That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
  • The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
  • I'm a good girl. With a lot of bad habits.
  • Aren't we ALL internet explorers?
  • I've been known to flash people (with my camera).
  • If Twitter wasn't around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
  • I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
  • Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
  • Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
  • Dear friends, please don't tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely everybody born before 2010.
  • Don't think too much or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
  • Without candy crush, I'd be like a kid with no candy!
  • Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
  • I did not say I didn't want to work. I said I didn't want to twerk!
  • Cheese. Milk's leap towards evolution.
  • My mum's so old-fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa is in the hospital LOL.
  • I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
  • Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
  • Tired? There's a nap for that.
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  • When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chicken's bum.
  • If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
  • If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
  • This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
  • Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
  • Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
  • A day without sunlight is night.
  • I can resist anything, except temptation.
  • Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
  • I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
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  • Every time I put my phone on silent, it decides to play "hide and seek."
  • You put the "pro" in "procrastination."
  • I don't have exes; I have Y's. Y the hell did I do that?
  • I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
  • If swimming is an exercise, then explain whales to me.
  • If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
  • Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
  • We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me five years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
  • Unicorns do exist. They're just fat and grey, and we call them Rhinos.
  • A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
  • I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
  • My wallet is like an onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates: if you eat the whole thing at once you're going to be sick.
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Reader Poll

© 2012 StrictlyQuotes

Add a Funny Tweet or Facebook Status:

s4a on September 09, 2020:

your eyes are like wrenches, every time I look into them, they tighten my nuts...

https://sex4adult.com/

Steven laat on July 24, 2020:

Very nice words

Naira white on January 02, 2020:

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change ur facebook status....

add me one facebook naira white

nthabeleng happiness on June 20, 2019:

Mmmmmm

morina david on December 24, 2018:

so perfect

Sidiki on December 10, 2018:

Very nice

FieryChocolate on December 02, 2018:

I love'em all.

Funny Status on November 09, 2018:

Nice

kalid usman on October 24, 2018:

it's so nice

BIGt on September 16, 2018:

Love these status.

Martin M De King on September 07, 2018:

These post r useful indeed

Ayodeji Happy on August 25, 2018:

Very Nice

TIMMAY! on August 21, 2018:

I'm immortal. So far.

Jagadish on August 07, 2018:

Very Nyc

mike on July 18, 2018:

These are corny

Rajel on June 20, 2018:

Style

anjali Sharma on March 28, 2018:

Cool collection

camel ragav on October 04, 2017:

hai frnds

diogenes on July 25, 2017:

Great!! These come around every five years and read just like brand new!

Doft Sick

Kalvin on July 06, 2017:

Cool Collection of status lines.

komal on June 22, 2017:

nice this sharing on fb

sohel on April 07, 2015:

Wow your status is very nic & so good sides

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 27, 2015:

Thank you so much :)

schoolgirlforreal on February 24, 2015:

Nice! Love these! Sharing on FB :)

Kari on September 02, 2014:

Love the WTF one! Weird I've never heard that before. lol

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 02, 2014:

Thank you DDE and I am such a fan of yours :)

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on September 02, 2014:

Great read here and I RT occasionally. You think of awesome ideas.

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 02, 2014:

Cool, thank you :)

JUMAIN PRETOORS on August 14, 2014:

Well good,awesome and cool I like it!

facts25 on March 29, 2013:

Hahahahahahaha, I really enjoyed while reading these funny facebook status

Elizabeth Mara from New Hampshire on March 14, 2013:

Thanks, Stricktlydating! I laughed at some of these and thought of several people who'd laugh with me. Let the sharing continue~

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on January 21, 2013:

Thanks for your great feedback!

Gulf Coast Sun from Gulf of Mexico on June 23, 2012:

hahahahahahahahahahahahah - thanks

bangabanga on June 19, 2012:

lolllllllllll

Bml on May 31, 2012:

These are hilarious. So going as my statuses;)I was actually dropped in a pool of sexy.

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on May 06, 2012:

Clever talents Miranda! Thanks for commenting :)

Miranda on May 05, 2012:

Loved these, very funny. I can wiggle my ears and raise one eyebrow (i can also do the wave with my eyebrows~~)That was a secret, no one knew besides my sister and mom.

Well the cats out of the bag now... Thanks for sharing=)

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on April 08, 2012:

That's great Deepak! Thanks for commenting! Best wishes :)

Deepak Choubey on April 08, 2012:

Gr8 i have got all the post for the day!!!! Thanks a lot!!!

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on April 03, 2012:

Glad you liked it ronakbhatia!

ronakbhatia from Mumbai, India on March 26, 2012:

Haha, awesome! Gonna copy a few :D

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 24, 2012:

That's wild Nicki!

nicki on March 15, 2012:

haha laughed my butt ox off! lol :D

alisha4u from New Delhi, India on February 24, 2012:

Looks like you are too much into social networkin... Witty thoughts though..

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 23, 2012:

Thankyou acaetnna :) Always lovely to have your feedback!

acaetnna from Guildford on February 22, 2012:

Ha, ha, awesome as always. Brilliant work. Voting up and hitting your buttons.

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 22, 2012:

Ahhh! That's awesome princesswithapen! Thanks!

princesswithapen on February 21, 2012:

"Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow." Haha! I bet most readers would actually try this one while reading it.

This hub made for an amusing read - just what the doctor ordered with a nice hot cuppa.

Princesswithapen

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 20, 2012:

Wow! Thanks for all your great comments! Glad you enjoyed these status updates! Smiles from Australia :)

Samir Illathodi from Kerala, India. on February 20, 2012:

I like the last three! Lool! Gonna put it as my status! Good Hub! :)

diogenes from UK and Mexico on February 20, 2012:

Had a good chuckle at some of these m'dear.

Take care

duge hick

Infobrowser from UK on February 20, 2012:

This is a very funny and clever selection. Think I'll be putting some up on facebook LIKE A BOSS! Thanks =)