Very Funny And Cute Status Updates
Funny and cute Facebook status updates and tweets, guaranteed to make you laugh until tears run down your legs!
- A big shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
- Hi I'm James, let's bond.
- T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)
- Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
- I think it's really cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!
- Today is the first day of the rest of your life...And if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...
- Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.
- It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they've beat you to it!
- If twitter wasn't around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
- Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
- If something's not going right, try left.
- About to dance my feet silly!
- Why bother reading books? We have Eminem he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
- I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
- Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
- Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
- Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
- Relationship Status: COMING SOON
- Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
- LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
- Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
- Looking at school books and thinking - What a waste of a tree!
- Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
- Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
- Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
- Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- Nothing is illegal...Until you get caught.
- Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
- Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
- Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- When I get a pimple on my tongue I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.
- I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.
- I forgot to work out today. That's 5 years in a row!
- If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realise I wasn't at work.
- I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
- That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good thanks!"
- You look like I need a drink.
- I wasn't drunk, I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
- That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
- I've got a dig bick. You read that wrong. The awkward when you read that wrong too and said 'Moment' when it wasn't there.
- I put the 'Me' in 'Someone' and things get awkward.
- Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
- That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
- I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
- You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
- A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calender says W T F.
- The first 5 days after the weekend are always hard.
- I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
- At first I didn't like my beard, then it grew on me.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- "What's up cake?" "Muffin much".
- I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.
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- I just don't know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say "Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that rest room!"
- That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
- The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
- Aren't we ALL internet explorers?
- I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
- Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
- Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
- Dear friends, please don't tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely everybody born before 2010.
- Don't think too much or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
- Without candy crush I'd be like a kid with no candy!
- Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
- I did not say I didn't want to work. I said I didn't want to twirk!
- Cheese. Milks leap towards evolution.
- My mum's so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa's in hospital LOL.
- I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
- Tired? There's a nap for that.
- Every time I put my phone on silent it decides to play 'Hide and seek'.
- You put the 'Pro' in 'Procrastination'.
- I don't have exs, I have Ys. Y the hell did I do that?
- I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
- If swimming is an exercise explain whales to me.
- If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
- When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chickens bum.
- If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
- If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
- Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
- Lucky for you mirrors can't laugh out loud.
- Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
- Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
- I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
- May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
- Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
- We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me 5 years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
- Unicorns do exist. They're just fat and grey and we call them Rhinos.
- A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
- I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
- My wallet is like an Onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.
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