Very Funny And Cute Status Updates

Funny and cute Facebook status updates and tweets, guaranteed to make you laugh until tears run down your legs!

Funny Statuses:

  • A big shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
  • Hi I'm James, let's bond.
  • T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I'm awesome!)
  • Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
  • I think it's really cool how the word "OK" is a sideways person!
  • Today is the first day of the rest of your life...And if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...
  • Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.
  • It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they've beat you to it!
  • If twitter wasn't around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
  • Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
  • If something's not going right, try left.
  • About to dance my feet silly!
  • Why bother reading books? We have Eminem he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
  • I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
  • Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
  • Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
  • Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
  • Relationship Status: COMING SOON
  • Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
  • LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
  • Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
  • Looking at school books and thinking - What a waste of a tree!
  • Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I'm just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
  • Why didn't you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
  • Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
  • Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  • Nothing is illegal...Until you get caught.
  • Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
  • Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  • When I get a pimple on my tongue I always feel guilty in case I've told a white lie.
  • I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.
  • I forgot to work out today. That's 5 years in a row!
  • If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realise I wasn't at work.
  • I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
  • That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good thanks!"
  • You look like I need a drink.
  • I wasn't drunk, I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
  • That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
  • I've got a dig bick. You read that wrong. The awkward when you read that wrong too and said 'Moment' when it wasn't there.
  • I put the 'Me' in 'Someone' and things get awkward.
  • Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
  • That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
  • I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
  • You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
  • A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calender says W T F.
  • The first 5 days after the weekend are always hard.
  • I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
  • At first I didn't like my beard, then it grew on me.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • "What's up cake?" "Muffin much".
  • I don't have goals. Goals are for soccer. I'm not soccer.

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  • I just don't know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say "Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that rest room!"
  • That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
  • The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
  • Aren't we ALL internet explorers?
  • I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
  • Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
  • Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
  • Dear friends, please don't tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely everybody born before 2010.
  • Don't think too much or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
  • Without candy crush I'd be like a kid with no candy!
  • Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
  • I did not say I didn't want to work. I said I didn't want to twirk!
  • Cheese. Milks leap towards evolution.
  • My mum's so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa's in hospital LOL.
  • I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
  • Tired? There's a nap for that.
  • Every time I put my phone on silent it decides to play 'Hide and seek'.
  • You put the 'Pro' in 'Procrastination'.
  • I don't have exs, I have Ys. Y the hell did I do that?
  • I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
  • If swimming is an exercise explain whales to me.
  • If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
  • When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chickens bum.
  • If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
  • If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
  • This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
  • Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
  • Lucky for you mirrors can't laugh out loud.
  • Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
  • Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
  • I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
  • May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
  • Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
  • We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me 5 years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
  • Unicorns do exist. They're just fat and grey and we call them Rhinos.
  • A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
  • I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
  • My wallet is like an Onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.

Author: StricktlyDating

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© 2012 StricktlyDating

Add a Funny Tweet or Facebook Status: 31 comments

sohel 18 months ago

Wow your status is very nic & so good sides

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stricktlydating 20 months ago from Australia Author

Thank you so much :)

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 20 months ago from USA

Nice! Love these! Sharing on FB :)

Relationshipc profile image

Relationshipc 2 years ago from Alberta, Canada

Love the WTF one! Weird I've never heard that before. lol

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stricktlydating 2 years ago from Australia Author

Thank you DDE and I am such a fan of yours :)

DDE profile image

DDE 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Great read here and I RT occasionally. You think of awesome ideas.

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stricktlydating 2 years ago from Australia Author

Cool, thank you :)


Well good,awesome and cool I like it!

facts25 3 years ago

Hahahahahahaha, I really enjoyed while reading these funny facebook status

Elizabeth Mara profile image

Elizabeth Mara 3 years ago from New Hampshire

Thanks, Stricktlydating! I laughed at some of these and thought of several people who'd laugh with me. Let the sharing continue~

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stricktlydating 3 years ago from Australia Author

Thanks for your great feedback!

Gulf Coast Sun profile image

Gulf Coast Sun 4 years ago from Gulf of Mexico

hahahahahahahahahahahahah - thanks

bangabanga 4 years ago


Bml 4 years ago

These are hilarious. So going as my statuses;)I was actually dropped in a pool of sexy.

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stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

Clever talents Miranda! Thanks for commenting :)

Miranda 4 years ago

Loved these, very funny. I can wiggle my ears and raise one eyebrow (i can also do the wave with my eyebrows~~)That was a secret, no one knew besides my sister and mom.

Well the cats out of the bag now... Thanks for sharing=)

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stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

That's great Deepak! Thanks for commenting! Best wishes :)

Deepak Choubey 4 years ago

Gr8 i have got all the post for the day!!!! Thanks a lot!!!

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stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

Glad you liked it ronakbhatia!

ronakbhatia profile image

ronakbhatia 4 years ago from Mumbai, India

Haha, awesome! Gonna copy a few :D

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stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

That's wild Nicki!

nicki 4 years ago

haha laughed my butt ox off! lol :D

alisha4u profile image

alisha4u 4 years ago from New Delhi, India

Looks like you are too much into social networkin... Witty thoughts though..

stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

Thankyou acaetnna :) Always lovely to have your feedback!

acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 4 years ago from Guildford

Ha, ha, awesome as always. Brilliant work. Voting up and hitting your buttons.

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stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

Ahhh! That's awesome princesswithapen! Thanks!

princesswithapen profile image

princesswithapen 4 years ago

"Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow." Haha! I bet most readers would actually try this one while reading it.

This hub made for an amusing read - just what the doctor ordered with a nice hot cuppa.


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stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

Wow! Thanks for all your great comments! Glad you enjoyed these status updates! Smiles from Australia :)

Samir Illathodi profile image

Samir Illathodi 4 years ago from Kerala, India.

I like the last three! Lool! Gonna put it as my status! Good Hub! :)

diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico

Had a good chuckle at some of these m'dear.

Take care

duge hick

Infobrowser profile image

Infobrowser 4 years ago from UK

This is a very funny and clever selection. Think I'll be putting some up on facebook LIKE A BOSS! Thanks =)

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    Hubpages writer StricktlyDating is an Australian writer creating pages of original funny quotes, funny status updates and funny memes.

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